4 months

So most of you know what the “baby blues,” is. If not, “baby blues,” is characterized by mood swings after birth and its considered the least severe form of postpartum depression. Many mothers feel overwhelmed with all the emotions, hormonal changes, and challenges that come with having a newborn. I had no idea that these feelings could occur 6-7 months before I’m even going to give birth. Everyone says the 1st trimester is the hardest, boy was this an UNDERSTATEMENT.

My entire life I’ve always had control over my body. I played basketball for 16 years of my life. I’ve worked so hard my entire life to maintain a healthy diet and lifestyle to be the best athlete I can be. Now, there’s another human being taking over my body without my permission and I’ve had to release all control. Control freak much? Type A personality probs. What happened to being pregnant and wanting to eat everything in sight? Not me, taste aversions have been my BFF, not pickles and ice cream. I had no morning sickness or vomiting (I guess that’s a positive) but the thought of food made my stomach turn. I lived off  Yoplait yogurt, crackers, and eggs. I felt this way for 5 months, and it was clear I wasn’t eating because I only gained 6 pounds in 5 months, no bueno.

I was in a mentally dark place for a long time and no one knew because the mask I wore was part of my daily routine; the thoughts I had about myself and these changes were unhealthy and just dark. I shut everyone out, I pushed my partner away, I didn’t talk to anyone, I couldn’t look in the mirror, I was keeping my pregnancy under wraps so I couldn’t vent to anyone, I would call my mom crying and half the time I didn’t know why. I felt fat, my boobs weighed more than me, and I was just over it; I wanted my body back. Not to mention, every day I felt as if I had pulled an all-nighter the night before. All I could think about during the day was the next opportunity I would have to sleep. I was mentally and physically drained and there was nothing I could do. I’ve always believed that I’m a mentally strong person, but this, this is a completely different beast that no one could have ever prepared me for.